Retreat Chronicles pt 1

Few days back, I went for my third long retreat which is basically a weekend getaway with God in a bid to reconnect. It was only three days long but it felt like eternity to me. I chronicled everyday in a notebook I brought along with me. These are the jottings:

RETREAT DAY ONE

10 minutes into the introductory talk, I’m already fighting back tears. I can’t even call Your Name…
After talk, cried in bathroom. Still can’t call Your Name.
I may have filled the holes in my heart with the things of this world instead of You.
Able to pray before bed

SUMMARY

Day One

As soon as I stepped into the oratory, it was like all the demons that had blinded me and made me believe that my sins weren’t ‘that bad’ fled and left me stranded: alone, naked. I was so scared and felt so ashamed. I couldn’t even call out to Him. My heart was entrenched in so much guilt, I could barely look at Him. I withheld the tears for as long as I could and then I let them out in several batches. I didn’t know how to make it stop; that was the entire day one. I was convinced I was going to leave the next morning because well “I wasn’t feeling well” when really the demons in me were in a raging battle.